Life is full of ups and downs. Hearing this statement from a seventeen-year-old girl often makes the elderly laugh. As if wisdom was determined with age. Honestly, wisdom is such a thing that you gain by thinking and making conclusions, and assumptions at every point of life. 

Sitting in my cozy dormitory at a Science school, listening to the ticking clock, I was diving deep into the philosophy of life. I know so many people struggling to find happiness, reading books about being positive, watching motivational speeches, and asking people what happiness is. The thing they don’t know is that happiness changes and, it is different for every one of us. What is common is sense. 

For the wicked, it is corrupting another person, turning the situations upside down, making people miserable, and having what their evil soul desires. For a scientist, happiness is inventing new technologies, opportunities to glow, and helping humanity with their whole knowledge. For a teacher, the success of the students and that inspiring and satisfying sparkle in the students’ eyes after learning the lesson.  For a student, getting good grades, and for a parent every happiness of the child. But all of these is one dimensional for me as we are just looking from one side of a multifaceted object. 

Let me now talk about myself. I am a temperamental girl with a raging ocean inside where others see a hopeless lake. This may be because I am not where I am meant to be or so I think. I know what happiness is for me but cannot easily reach it. I am an artistic person, a poet, and a writer who is forced to study mathematics and physics with a plethora of formulas inside. It tortures my imagination which does not see any limit or condition. Being stuck with a single formula is just like being in a card box. My soul desires something which has no limits and no conditions.

I look at my roommate who is thinking I'm wasting my time just by sitting. Little she knows, I'm creating another rule of life. I avoid the distraction. 

In "Aleph", a book by Paulo Coelho, there is a situation where a person experiences aleph - being in another time-zones, past lives for example; diving deep into something that the real life is forgotten and it's just the body and the space. I try to create the same situation. Then colors appear as an image in front of my closed eyes.

Maybe that is the reason I draw. I take my painting colors, my sketchbook and start to mix the colors and try to create the image I saw. Sometimes I draw with my bare hands and I see the meaning in each curve of the colors. I have never drawn something meaningless - first I create the situation, then I paste it into the papers. The feeling I experience is inexpressible. I feel something strong in my chest moved to the paper. The power I had before is in the form of an image later. I stare at the picture for how long I don't know, yet it makes me feel better, and the emotions are on a piece of sheet now. I get relieved. This is the happiness for me which I cannot achieve easily.

I know that I'm not the best in mathematics, physics or computer science, but I can be the best in my field, in what I am gifted of. For my happiness, I chose to study abroad, in the University of ___, to become the best version of my type. For my happiness, I'm doing my best to be a scholar of a fund, or else, I must endure those card boxes for four years in my country which I would never agree. You teach me more of what I can't see right now, and I'll show everything to the world.

(Credits to my friend who won the highest scholarship from a top university)